Lessons Learned

Posted by PROSE OF MINE

I do not mind learning a lesson here and there. In fact, the many lessons I’ve painfully endured over the years has made me the person I am today. However, what I do not enjoy, is costly lessons. For example, publishing a children’s book a week after I decided to become the next JK Rowling wasn’t my brightest moment. This is because I will be republishing this book. Changing cars three times within a one-year span and wishing I still had the one I started with—another less than bright moment. And, drum roll please … Booking four plane tickets to Europe the week after our holiday rental.

“No need to worry, honey,” says Lufthansa customer service. “We’ll get this taken care of for you right away. You’re in luck. I see we still have seating on the earlier flight you need. Now, did you buy travelers insurance?”

“No,” I say. Would I be hyperventilating if I had travelers insurance?

“How about your credit card, do they offer insurance coverage?”

“No.” They do not offer stupidity coverage.

“OK, let me get this taken care of for you. There will be a small fee of 220 per ticket to change them.”

“OK,” I squeak out. Shoes, purses, and sunglasses I will never own are scrolling through my mind—along with a few other unmentionables.

“Plus a fuel charge fee,” she adds.

“Fuel charge?” Didn’t I pay that the first time I bought the ticket? “But I haven’t flew any where yet,” I say.

“That brings your total to 453 per ticket. A grand total of 1,812. Did you want to put this on the same credit card?”

Are you insane? How about we put it on your credit card?

In short, we will be flying out a week late and dragging our luggage from place to place like a band of traveling gypsies.

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Massaging

Posted by PROSE OF MINE

I spoke about my meeting with an editor a while back. During which time, I mentioned the word massaging. Massaging is a nice word for rewrite. I no longer need to read my novel, as I now have the ability to recite it verbatim. What I can’t seem to master is the first page. Note to all struggling writers: Start writing mid-story, start at the end, start on the second page, but in the name of all that is sane—do not start at the beginning. The beginning carries the added pressure of grabbing the reader’s attention. Whether you purchase your books at a book store, online, or download them, chances are you read the first page first. An agent once told me that she knows by reading the first sentence if she’s going to take a book deal or not. This isn’t to say all you need is one famous line and the rest of the book can be useless junk, it just means the first page has to be attention grabbing—intriguing. Simply put, it means PRESSURE. Below are some first line examples of books I have had the pleasure of reading:
“Please tell me that’s not going to be part of my birthday dinner this evening.”
                                                                                                            —Bray
If truth was a color and it was up to me to put a wrapper around it and name its color, I know just what I would call it—dinosaur skin.
                                                                                                            —Weeks
I wake up barefoot, standing on cold slate tiles.
                                                                                                            —Black
A Word From Your Sponsor: This book begins with a plane crash.
“Are you alright?”
                                                                                                            —Bray
“And finally,” Jamie said as he pushed open the door, “we come to the main event. Your room.”
                                                                                                            —Dessen
December 9, 2005, 12:55 p.m.
Janie Hannagan’s math book slips from her fingers.
                                                                                                            —McMann
How to Read This Book
If you’re reading this sentence then you’ve pretty much got it.
                                                                                                            —Martin
Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.
                                                                                                            —Rowling
Around midnight, her eyes at last took shape.
                                                                                                            —Kate
Eleven years later, somewhere out in the dark, a siren starts wailing.
                                                                                                            —Nelson
There was a hand in the darkness, and it held a knife. (Love it.)
                                                                                                            —Gaiman
“Four-ball, side pocket.”
                                                                                                            —Marr
It was the first day of school, which meant it was my last chance to escape.
                                                                                                            —Gray
Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse I saw the dead guy standing next to my locker.
                                                                                                            —Cast
Nothing is more crucial to our concept of faith than a proper understanding of the nature of God.
                                                                                                            —Finney
Alas, I return to page one.

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Christmas Baking

Posted by PROSE OF MINE

When I think of Christmas baking, I do not picture slobbering children hovering over a bowl of raw dough in anticipation of licking the spoon. I do not picture a child sucking the icing off each individual finger while decorating gingerbread men. I do not picture cookies downloaded from Pintrest to turn out looking like women’s breasts. I do not picture these things, yet sadly, they happen.
Exhibit A 
I'm just saying.
Merry late Christmas to all!

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Dealership Woes

Posted by PROSE OF MINE

            For those of you who know me well, you know I don’t have a lot of spare time in my life at the moment. For example: I don’t watch TV, go to the movies, indulge in spa days with the girls, eat sitting down (although, judging by my stagnant waistline, I consume plenty on my feet), exercise, clean house, sleep, and rarely do I find time to shave. No, there is little normalcy in my life at this juncture. Work, family, busy children, 15 hours of college, and the daunting task of finishing my novel take up the majority of my time. So, when the car dealership called me at work and asked what I thought about trading my car in for one that was brand new for the same monthly payment with no money down, the thinking side of my brain (the side I rarely pay heed to) said, “If it sound too good to be true, it probably is.”
            However, my mouth said, “Are you sure?”
            “Of course,” said Car Dealer.
            “Look, I’m very busy and have a lot of homework tonight,” Mouth said. “If I drive all the way out there and this isn’t the case, I am going to be very, very upset.”
            “Ha ... ha ... ha,” cackled Car Dealer. “I promise. No strings attached.”
            “That is the laugh of a liar,” Thinking Side said. “You’re going to drive all the way out there, drink one of their free fattening cokes, stand around in your pointy-toed heels for an hour more than they promised, and turn into the Hulk shortly after they offer you the deal of the century on a new car—150.00 more a month than you are currently paying.”
            This area of text has been deleted for the protection of the reader. But, may I just say, I hate the thinking side of my brain, and besides that, it was wrong. I didn’t drink the coke.
            The following morning, I received a call from the dealership.
            “On behalf of the whole Acura family, I would just like to apologize for this terrible misunderstanding,” said the Red-Devil Car Dealer.
            “What misunderstanding?” said Thinking Side to Red-Devil Car Dealer. “There was no misunderstanding. I told her it was a joke from the beginning. She just wouldn’t listen to reason.”
            “Nothing like this has ever happened before,” continued Red-Devil Car Dealer. “The sale representative you spoke to has been sternly dealt with. I can assure you that this will not happen again.”
            “Well, I can most certainly assure you it won’t happen to me again,” I said. “I know this because later this afternoon, I will be making another trip to your dealership to drop my car off with no money down and no future payments.”

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My Encounter with an Executive Editor

Posted by PROSE OF MINE Labels: ,


As some of you know, I recently finished a novel and had the amazing opportunity to pitch it to a New York Editor at a recent writing conference—wonderful lady whose name I won’t divulge. The meeting went something like this:
            I make my way to unknown editor’s table with a big frozen smile—not all squinted eyes and gums, but big.
            “Hello, I’m Cassandra,” I say, extending my hand out to said Editor.  “I have been looking forward to meeting you.”
            By looking forward to meeting her, I mean, I have been sick to my stomach for weeks.
            Editor shakes my hand, and smiling reassuringly, says, “It’s very nice to meet you. It’s always fun to put a face with the work after imagining what the writer might look like.”
            I’m not sure what she’s expecting me to look like, perhaps the gothic chick from Mean Girls? I push this thought to the far reaches of my mind and sit down.
            “I read your manuscript,” Editor says, placing it on the table between us.
            Side note: At this point, I feel like I’m standing under a flower covered alter at the ocean’s edge. A cool island breeze whips through my hair, ruffling the silky train of my one of a kind Vera Wang gown.  The tropical scent of hibiscus fills my nose. Holding both my hands in his, the Bachelor stares deeply into my eyes. A single rose rest on a pedestal next to us. This is it—the moment of truth. Butterflies flutter inside my stomach. I tremble slightly as I await his decision. Will it be me, or the girl in the other limo?
            “First of all,” Editor continues, “I found it very easy to get into your story.”
            Yes, yes, do go on.
            “It was very interesting. You set it up nicely. You have humor, sarcasm—nicely done”
            OMG! Is it possible? Could she really like it?
             “You do a good job of writing in first person. Your voice is strong, and your character’s are believable.” She pauses and smiles. “I think your book is sellable.”
            Sellable? Did she just say sellable? She does like it! The excitement of this possibility claws its way up my throat. Mentally, I am already dragging my suit case out of the attic and bouncing it down the stairs. Where am I going, you ask? New York City, of course.  
            “However,” Editor says.
            No, no. No “However.” Rewind. Go back. Remember my voice, my believable characters, and my humor? OK, just breathe. A little constructive criticism never killed anyone.
            “There are a few things I feel need a little massaging.”
            And out comes the beautiful girl in the other limo. For those of you who don’t know, massaging is a nice word for rewrite or change, and few, rarely means three. As you might guess, “Massage” no longer represents the same thing for me. However (not a fan of this word either), the conference was great. I met a lot of people and made a lot of connections. Now if you will excuse me, I’m off to rubdown my manuscript.

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THE SORORITY POSE

Posted by PROSE OF MINE Labels:



This Integrate model-type stance should not be attempted by just anyone. No, this precarious maneuver of skinny arms, perfect angles, and batting eyelashes is only achieved by the most talented of fraternity sisters. Let’s begin with the “skinny arm.” The hand and arm should be at a 90 degree angle with the hip. This drops the shoulder, creating a longer neck and more prominent collar bone. Next is the “angle.” Turn the body slightly sideways and face the camera head on.


Lastly, but most importantly, smileJ Wait! Do not smile too big, or you will just look ridiculous (this is a direct quote). The gums are not invited to this party.  Instead, bat the eyelashes slightly and grin with a modest amount of parent-purchased white teeth.


And there you have it. Please refer to attached photos for further illustrations and directions.
Smile on, AGD!


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Happy Birthday Mallory

Posted by PROSE OF MINE

Believing hear, what you deserve to hear:
Your birthday as my own to me is dear...
But yours gives most; for mine did only lend
Me to the world; yours gave to me a friend.
                                                               ~Martial
We love you, Mal-Mal.



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